Note: The following is a SOF post from February 12, 2007, but since it’s a message of great importance to everyone standing for marriage restoration, I’ve edited it just a bit; because I want to share it again in response to several questions from FAM Fellowship members and a recent response to another SOF post, Is Adultery Grounds For Divorce?

One of the most important first steps when we get serious about standing for the restoration of our marriages is making an intentional and deliberate decision to give up our identity as victims, because as long as we insist on holding onto our pain and disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment, usually mixed in with huge doses of unforgiveness and self pity, God is unable to do anything in us and on our behalf for the restoration of our marriages. That environment just creates a battle field and is far from conducive to the restoration of our marriages. This is often a big issue for new FAM Fellowship members, but the ones who have been able to make that choice and walk it out would tell anyone that asks how glad they are to finally make it. They have peace and feel better now than they have in a long time, which really makes sense when we think about it. In the same way we know that spouses who are in non-covenant relationships don’t really have peace and aren’t as happy as they’d like everyone to believe, which is what the Word of God tells us is the case, it’s not possible for us to act contrary to what God’s Word teaches and have peace and joy in the Holy Spirit either. So no matter how much we’re hurting, if we can’t access the power of the Holy Spirit that now resides inside of us to help us forgive our spouses and stop judging them and let go of our identity as victims, there is little God can do to help heal our broken hearts, much less our broken marriages.

So how sad it is to see that even men and women standing for the restoration of their marriages often seem unable to say anything good or positive about their spouses; and in fact, are only able to speak in negative terms about them; which certainly doesn’t create the atmosphere of grace necessary for redemption and restoration. And no matter how hard we try to bury it or hide it, if it is there, our spouses are able to feel it. Most of the FAM Fellowship members would tell you that I have warned them at one time or another that if we don’t deal with our issues of unforgiveness, anger, bitterness and resentment; that failure will rear its ugly head at the worst possible moment, because Satan will not miss any opportunity to use it against us. God can not work in us or with us as long as we harbor unforgiveness toward our husbands or wives, or as long as we continue to see ourselves as victims. Remember that in ( John 8:3-11, just as with the woman caught in adultery, Jesus said that the one without sin should throw the first stone, and since none of us are without sin, we shouldn’t be casting stones at our spouses. And in Luke 6:39-42, Jesus also told us not to even look at the speck in our brother’s eye when we have a plank in our own eye, and that after we deal with the plank in our eye, THEN we could help our brother remove the speck in his. Otherwise, he said it is like the blind leading the blind and that both would end up in a ditch. And God doesn’t hold us accountable for what our spouses do; only for what we do or don’t do, so it’s a lot more important for us to focus on what God wants to do in our hearts and lives than worrying about what our spouses are or are not doing. That’s why 1 Corinthians 7:15-16 tells us to let our spouses go when they want to leave and to seek peace; because then we might be able to help save them. If we focus on our walk and relationship with the Lord and creating peace with our prodigal spouses, EVEN AS THEY HURT AND DISAPPOINT US, and encourage our children to have and maintain strong and healthy relationships with them; then God will deal with them and their issues.

And the only way to be men and women of great faith and stand strong for the restoration of our marriages and be the best parents possible is to believe what there is no evidence or reason to believe. If we have a reason to believe or expect something, then that’s not faith. So we can’t let dread and fear overwhelm or paralyze us and keep us from walking in accordance with the teachings of Jesus Christ. And we should never forget that in Job 3:25, Job said What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. And then in Matthew 9:29, Jesus said …”According to your faith will it be done to you”.

And one of the most important things parents standing for marriage restoration have to do when marital problems arise is protect their children from adult issues. And that means encouraging and instructing our children to forgive and seek peaceful relationships with their moms or dads. Children tend to take their parents’ problems upon themselves and feel that they are somehow responsible for the separation or divorce. So we have to make certain they understand that their other parent does NOT have issues with them; that we were not the husbands or wives we should have been and that the issues leading to our separation or divorce are about us and not them. If we don’t help our kids understand that, they will be unable to have and maintain healthy relationships when they grow up and get married. So it is very unhealthy to allow our children to show loyalty to us over their other parent, and something is terribly wrong when our children feel the need to protect us, or when they live in fear that we’re going to be hurt by their other parent. So we have to be strong for our children to help minimize the negative impact this very difficult time will naturally have on their lives. And by our example, we have to teach them how to forgive, and make it clear to them that we were also responsible for the break up of our marriages, and that it was not all the other parent’s fault. And there’s no way to understate the impact this will have on prodigal spouses and parents either, because it is so contrary to how the rest of the world handles similar situations, and it goes a long way toward creating an atmosphere where healing and restoration can take place.

And if we refuse to understand how important it is to let go of our identity as victims, we are not going to break the cycle we’re in, because we can’t keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results. The only way to get different results is to do something different and the only way to get God’s results are to do things HIS way, and just as Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us, God’s ways are definitely not our natural ways. And as Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 37:5-6 tell us, we’re NOT to lean or rely on our own understanding concerning our circumstances and situations, or even what we THINK is going on in our spouses’ hearts and minds, but we’re to trust God with ALL our hearts and to acknowledge Him in ALL our ways, and THEN HE WILL direct our paths; then he will make our righteousness shine like the dawn and the justice of our cause like the noon day sun! And we HAVE to learn to take all of our negative thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ and the Word of God, just as 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us. That’s what we’re here to help each other do, but the work has to begin with us. We have to realize the truth of God’s Word and the power it has to bring us the peace, joy and victory we want so much. In Psalm 119:105, God tells us that His Word is a light unto our path and a lamp unto our feet, and in Matthew 4:4, Jesus said that man could not live by bread alone, but by EVERY WORD that proceeds out of the mouth of God. God’s plan for restoration WILL work, but ONLY when we work His plan, and we do that by understanding and putting His Word into practice. In fact, in Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus revealed that the difference between a wise man and a foolish man; one who builds a house on solid rock that can withstand the storms and winds of life and one who builds one that can’t because it’s built on sand, is that one hears the Word and puts it into practice and the other hears the Word and doesn’t put it into practice.

So the goal of this ministry is to promote God’s Word and our TOTAL reliance on Him and HIS Word for the restoration of our marriages and families, and for the salvation and deliverance of our husbands and wives. But the decision to do that ultimately rests with each one of us, and with us alone. And EVERYONE standing for marriage restoration eventually finds ourselves at that place at some point in time, so it’s up to us to make a deliberate and intentional decision to give up our identity as victims, and with the grace and strength of God, we CAN do it. But we have to be willing to let go of everything we’ve had a difficult time releasing up to that point, and when we do, God WILL be there to meet us and to lift us up. Remember, in 1 Peter 5:6-7, He tells us to HUMBLE ourselves (that means quit trying to do it all ourselves, not relying on our own strength and understanding) under HIS mighty hand, and HE WILL lift us up in DUE time. And He tells us to cast ALL of our anxieties on Him, because He cares for us. But it’s not possible to cast our anxieties” on God without letting them go. So perhaps some of the people who have already made it through this process will share a little of their own testimonies to let others know how the Lord gave them peace when they did, and how He has since been working to restore their relationships with their spouses. And when Satan tries to convince us that restoration is not possible, especially when we first begin to recognize and understand the mistakes we’ve made, we need to read Isaiah 55, and tell the devil he’s a liar, because our God IS THE GOD OF RESTORATION…and then we WILL be blessed and encouraged!

Dear Heavenly Father, we come before your throne of mercy and grace and ask you to meet us at our place of need. We ask that you help us realize that we have to give everything to you; that you have ALL of the answers and that your plans for us are for good and NOT for evil. I pray that you will help us know that when we call out to you, you WILL answer us and show us great and mighty things we do not know. Fill us with the righteousness, peace and joy that is found only in the power of the Holy Spirit, which Jesus taught is what the kingdom of heaven is all about. Help us find it in our hearts to forgive our spouses and to release any disappointment, pain, bitterness and resentment we still hold against them. Remind us that your Word tells us that you forgive us as we forgive others and that you judge us as we judge others. Soften our hearts and open our ears and eyes, Lord, so that we can hear from you and understand as you pour out your heart to us and make your thoughts known to us. Free us of the pain and anguish Satan intends to destroy us and our families. Remind us that all things are made new in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and that yesterday is gone and we can’t do anything to change it, and that you even tell us to give no thought of tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of its own and tomorrow will take care of itself. Help us find a place of deliverance from all the pain and disappointment of the past so we are free to focus on the things you have for us to do today and to rest in the confidence and assurance of the promises we have in your Word for tomorrow. Help us to first seek your kingdom and your righteousness, with absolute confidence that you will then meet our every need. And teach us what it means to delight in you so that you can give us the desires of our hearts. Show us how to use the awesome influence we have with our children to help bring healing and restoration to their little hearts and minds too; and to work to restore their relationship with their father or mother. Fill us with genuine respect and admiration for our spouses and teach us to pass that on to our children. And we thank you for delivering us from feelings of despair and replacing that with peace that passes all understanding and joy and happiness. Help us to be more heavenly minded and not so focused on the things and ways of this world. Help us keep our eyes on you, Lord, and on your awesome power and majesty. Let us place ALL of our hope and confidence in you. Guide and direct us and send angels to guard and protect us and our families. We love you and give you all praise, honor and glory for the great work we know you’re doing in our hearts and lives now and in the healing and restoration of our marriages and families. And it is in the most powerful and precious name of Jesus Christ that we pray and give thanks. Amen.

Posted Monday, November 5th, 2007 at 11:45 pm in Seeds Of Faith.