God was Talking to Me by Russell
(Note from Linda: What a blessing it was for FAM members to read the following “Homecoming Testimony (another new category now on the private FAM Fellowship website), which Karla posted for Russell last night! We are all so blessed to have the insight we’re now getting from our members’ spouses after their marriages have been restored, and I particularly thank Russell for sharing his Prodigal Perspective with us, and for letting me share it here as well; because I know it will be a great blessing to many others standing for marriage restoration in the face of their spouses’ intense anger. It’s also interesting to note that a common theme we hear from prodigals when they do come home is how much the Lord was talking to them and how they struggled with their decision much longer than their spouses ever would have suspected! That’s why God in HIS infinite wisdom tells us NOT to lean to our own understanding and to TRUST HIM WITH ALL OF OUR HEARTS as we acknowledge Him in ALL of our ways and that HE will make our paths straight and the justice of our cause shine like the noon day sun (Proverbs 3:5-6 and Psalm 37:5-6)! And there’s no way to measure the way we are blessed and encouraged when we get that and truly live in peace because we FINALLY LET GO AND LET GOD (1 Corinthians 7:15-16 and 1 Peter 3:1-15)!)
When I left Karla and our children for the last time in April of 2008, I believed there was no other way. I believed that the situation was hopeless, that our marriage was over, and that there was nothing that anyone could say or do that would change that. But I know now that I was deceived by the enemy.
When I left, I moved into a small but light filled apartment with four white walls. While I had four white walls and a bright room, all I could see was darkness, and all I could feel was loneliness. That was because of the anger. To say that I was angry when I left would be a major understatement. The blame game was on and it was all Karla’s fault. If it wasn’t her fault, then it was someone else’s fault, but it was not mine. I am sure that at some point, Karla has said that she played the blame game too. What we have both come to realize is that the enemy is very crafty, because he had taken two people who loved each other with everything they had, and pitted them against each other, so they blamed each other for anything and everything. I believed she was the enemy, and I am pretty sure that she looked at me the same way for a period of time.
When we leave, we are so angry that the anger covers over any sense of reason. In the beginning, I honestly cannot say that I had anything deep down telling me that I was doing something wrong. However, I do know that the anger prevented me from thinking clearly. To make things worse, any time Karla reminded me of how God hated divorce, or how wrong I was; it was like a knife in my back. I felt that she was acting as if she had some sort of moral authority over me, and that angered me even more.
And when I was angry, I could not hear a word Karla said, God said, or what anyone else said for that matter. But as time passed, and as the anger faded, I became calm, and I began to hear her again. I began to hear peace in her voice, and see peace in her spirit. She was no longer talking about the marriage or the past. And she was in a good mood when I saw her and seemed to be “going with the flow.” Nothing seemed to rattle her anymore, and that was a big change for the better. She kept it light when she saw me; whether she was wishing me the best in life or work, or relaying a funny story about something the kids had done that day. Something definitely changed, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I was sure that it was good, but at the same time, I didn’t know if it was real or permanent, and if I could trust it.
On top of being able to hear Karla, something else drastically changed, and now I could hear God too. I have since learned that what happened was that Karla had really and truly “let me go.” Yes, I could now hear God and He was talking to me. Sometimes He talked to me in a dream. And sometimes He talked to me through our kids, but a lot of times, He talked to me through Karla. Little did she know that I was listening to her like I had never listened to her before. I watched her very carefully too; she seemed so peaceful. And I had to know if I could believe what I was seeing and hearing.
Many times during our marriage, and even during our separation, Karla would say “You just have to trust God, and He will work out the details.” or “Trust God and leave the consequences to Him.” She wasn’t saying that to me, but in reference to herself or a situation. And at one point, she said one of those two things and something happened. I could not get it out of my head. It was like someone had engraved it in my brain. I kept saying it to myself over and over again and thinking “What did she mean when she said that? What does that mean?” I know there was at least one night where I did not sleep, because that was all I could think about. Then one day, it hit me; God wanted me to trust him with my marriage, and if I did, He would work it out, even if I could not see how He would do it. Of course, I know now that God was speaking to me, and He wasn’t going to stop. I knew God had brought me to the door of marriage restoration, but I had to walk through it, and I had to walk through it myself. There was nothing anyone could do or say to bring me home; yet I felt I was being pulled in that direction, and I knew I had to take that leap of faith and trust Him.
Trusting God enough to walk through that door was the hardest thing I ever did, but it has been the most rewarding thing I ever did too. God has blessed me more than I could have imagined. He has been working out all the details just like He said He would.
I thank God for bringing me to that door, and Karla for letting me walk through it myself. To all of you standing for your marriages, please know that God will bring your spouse to that same door if you let Him. Please pray for your spouse, and if you have not let them go, I urge you to do so; only then will they be able to hear what God has been trying to tell them all along.
God bless you, Russell