One of the saddest things time and experience in marriage restoration ministry continue to reveal is that one of the greatest obstacles to marriage restoration is without a doubt the inability or unwillingness to forgive; because the men and women who struggle and suffer the most are those who find it so difficult to let go of the terrible sense of betrayal, and their pain and anger long enough to experience the healing miracle of restoration God ALWAYS wants to work in our hearts and in our marriages and families. I sure wish I understood or knew how to explain what makes it SO difficult for some of us to let go of the negative emotions and energy, and release all of the pain and disappointment to our loving Father in heaven, who has so much more to replace it with if we’d just allow Him to. But that’s just something very unique to each person, and why there is no simple answer.

Yet, no matter how difficult or challenging the act of forgiveness may seem, there’s NO doubt about how important it is when it comes to restoration; both in terms of our relationship with God and with others, especially when it involves someone who has hurt us so deeply. One of the passages of scripture many men and women standing for marriage restoration really struggle with when it comes to forgiveness and judging others is Luke 6:27-42, which says:
“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
He also told them this parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Ouch! That really nails us, because it is so difficult in our flesh to do; yet it is a VITALLY important passage of scripture for ALL Christians to REALLY understand, but most especially those of us standing for the restoration of our marriages. And it’s a passage ALL of us who find it so difficult to stop judging, criticizing and complaining about the behavior of our spouses need to read every day; maybe even several times a day, because when the Bible tells us to acknowledge God in all our ways or to commit ourselves to HIS way, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS, whether we like it or not! And if we want the blessings, protection and provision of God as we stand for our marriages and to experience His awesome promise of restoration, we had better get serious about learning what it means to walk in the grace and power of His spirit so we can CONSISTENTLY walk out passages like this in our daily lives, because when we do, WE WILL eventually SEE THE RESTORATION OF OUR MARRIAGES! Otherwise, God would be a liar and make a mockery of His word, and we know that’s not true and that He wouldn’t let that happen!

I often talk to men and women struggling with issues of unforgiveness, who wonder why they see God answering the prayers of others, and why they don’t see Him working in their lives and situations. And I can almost always use something out of the above passage from Luke in response to their questions, because as it almost always does, it comes back to our inability to let go, issues of unforgiveness and our natural tendency to judge our spouses; expecting them to act in accordance with OUR expectations, standards and values, and the resulting and inevitable disappointment and frustration when they don’t.. Many years ago, an older and wiser woman once told me that I shouldn’t expect people to treat me the same way I’d treat them, because as long as I continued to do that, I was just setting myself up for disappointment. Well, she was right, and one of the important things we have to realize as we stand for the restoration of our marriages is that we can’t place any expectations on our husbands or wives, because ALL of our hope and expectation MUST be in the Lord and HIS ability to make the changes we and He desire in our mates! We CAN NOT convince or convict them of the sin in their life or the error of their way. But the Lord can and that’s where our prayers come in! But we also have to understand that harboring unforgiveness in our hearts toward our mates or anyone else, no matter what they are doing or not doing, is sin, and ANY kind of sin separates us from God, and He can not be in fellowship with us when we have unconfessed and unrepented sin in our lives. And repentance means acknowledging and confessing our sin, asking God AND our mates to forgive us, and then forsaking that sin; “…go and sin no more!”

So we can’t afford NOT to forgive our husbands or wives as we stand for the restoration of our marriages, because we MUST rely on our prayers to move the Holy Spirit to convict our spouses of the sin in their lives to bring about the desired changes. But God can not hear or answer our prayers when we harbor unforgiveness of any kind in our hearts. So this is a VERY important message for all Christians to understand, especially when we’re asking God for the miracle of marriage restoration. So take the time to seriously read and study the above passage of scripture from Luke, because when we learn to walk that out in our lives, we will truly begin to experience the peace and joy we long for! But no amount of prayer and fasting will do us any good if we have unforgiveness in our hearts, because it separates us from God, which often explains why so many men and women don’t feel the Lord’s presence in their lives the same way they used to. So the following verses are a few more about forgiveness that we all need to understand and heed as we stand for the restoration of our marriages:

Matthew 6:12 – Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Matthew 6:14-15 – For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 18:21-22 – Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Mark 11:25 – And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Colossians 3:13 – Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Luke 7:47 – Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”

Romans 4:7 – “Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.

2 Corinthians 2:7 – Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.

Hebrews 10:18 – And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 2:12 – I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.

And if we still have any doubt how serious the Lord is about forgiveness and how seriously He takes it when we fail to forgive others as He has forgiven us, just read Matthew 18:23:35!

The good news is that we can avoid unforgiveness as an obstacle to marriage restoration by repenting and dealing with the unforgiveness in our own hearts. And then we will experience the peace, joy and righteousness of the Holy spirit and release God’s supernatural power to radically change our hearts and circumstances and to give us so much more than we deserve according to the seeds we’ve sown! So read Isaiah 55 and be blessed and encouraged as you turn from unforgiveness and everything displeasing to God and turn to the LORD for mercy and are freely pardoned…in the same way you show mercy and freely pardon your spouse!

Posted Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 6:30 pm in Seeds Of Faith.