As we witness God’s hand at work in the circumstances of many of our spouses’ lives in full accordance with what His Word says, it’s very important for us to take our own inventory to insure we’re providing the right atmosphere for the restoration of our marriages. And that’s an atmosphere of grace, because without grace there can be no redemption, and without redemption, there can be no restoration. And it’s not by any means a coincidence that the same things that keep us from providing an atmosphere of grace are the very things that keep God from hearing and answering our prayers and which interfere with or hinder the flow of the Holy Spirit; such as pride, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, self-righteousness, envy, anger, strife, grumbling and complaining; being self-centered, condescending and judgmental – just to name a few.

Naturally, there’s been some very interesting conversation about this on the private websites, especially in response to the previous post, which was a message shared early this morning by a fellowship member. One of our other members said she felt the message was meant for her, because her husband asks her to do things for him all the time, and she said she has a tendency to feel like he is just using her and that she battles to overcome that fear. Since my response to her addresses some of the issues we all have to overcome to create an atmosphere of grace, I’m just going to share that as follows:

“(Name Omitted), that’s something many of us struggle with as we stand for our marriages, but we have to remember that the Lord tells us to HUMBLE ourselves under His mighty hand and that HE will lift us up in due time. So EVEN if someone is taking advantage of us, IF we are humble, especially since the Bible says we are to submit ourselves to our husbands in EVERYTHING AS UNTO THE LORD, we can count on God to make that wrong right. Don’t forget, His Word ALSO tells us that if they ask for our shirt, give them our coat as well; if they ask us to go a mile, go two and if they slap us on one cheek, turn the other. That’s something we don’t hear taught much these days, but that is biblical teaching and something we need to heed to see the awesome power of God released in our lives and the restoration of our marriages. And another biblical teaching that is not very popular in today’s society is that God created us for our husband’s delight and completion, and not the other way around. If our husbands are to us as Christ is to the church, then we are here for their praise, honor and glory. When we truly understand God’s plan for marriage and submit to it in faith and obedience to Him, we WILL see miracles right and left…and we will end up with everything we want as well!

But as the standers, we have to be willing to let the change begin in us. And God knows when we’re there or not, and there’s no point bringing our husbands back when we’re not - because the restoration won’t last. I think that’s why we see so many false starts, as Bob Steinkamp calls them. The spouse thinks they see the changes that draw them, but on closer (and more consistent) inspection, it wasn’t real or lasting. And that is NOT possible until we fully forgive our spouses and are really able to create an atmosphere of grace that makes redemption and lasting restoration possible.”

Then in response to what I shared above, the same fellowship member requested prayer for the Lord’s help to demonstrate love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which says Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And since these verses provide God’s perfect formula for creating the atmosphere of grace necessary for marriage restoration, we ALL need God’s help to love our spouses accordingly. And by studying the following verses, we can gain an even greater understanding of the nature and characteristics of the grace we need to demonstrate as we stand for the restoration of our marriages:

2 Peter 1:2
Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

2 John 1:3
“Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father’s Son, will be with us in truth and love.

Revelation 22:21
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

Proverbs 3:34
He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble.

John 1:16
From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

Acts 15:11
No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

Acts 20:32
“Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.

Romans 3:24
and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Romans 11:6
And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.

2 Corinthians 4:15
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

2 Corinthians 8:7
But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us —see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

Ephesians 1:7
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace

Ephesians 2:5
made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

Ephesians 2:7
in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 2:8
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

Colossians 4:6
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

2 Thessalonians 2:16
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,

2 Timothy 1:2
To Timothy, my dear son: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.

Titus 3:7
so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

1 Peter 5:5
Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

The good news for us as we stand for marriage restoration is that the Lord’s grace is always sufficient and that when we rely on Him through the power of the Holy Spirit and walk in accordance with His Word, our grace WILL be sufficient too! And that’s a perfect lead in to the following message from Bob Steinkamp which also confirms yesterday’s post about standing on the truth of God’s Word. And a lot of recent conversation in the ministry on related topics. So read and enjoy Bob’s message as follows, and be blessed and encouraged!

“Each Tuesday Bob shares, after being remarried to Charlyne for almost 20 years following their divorce. Bob’s most recent book for standers, “The Prodigal’s Perspective,” is available here.

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HIGH HOPES

Men and women who are standing with God for marriage restoration must have a lot of faith. Along with that, they have high hopes of a prodigal spouse soon coming home. What has happened when the process seems to be starting, and then suddenly the prodigal makes a 180 degree turn, once again, away from their home and praying spouse? What happens to the stander’s high hopes?

Charlyne and I pray that by now you understand that the path back home that a prodigal spouse travels is not always a straight one. Like a road to the top of a mountain, (and your prodigal coming home will be a mountaintop for you), the road is not straight.

If we were to leave our home and travel north on I-95, we would reach a point in Martin County where the compass would indicate we are going south. Are we going north or south? Should we give up on our northbound trip, because the compass says we are going the opposite way? I-95 actually goes so far west in Martin County that at one point, due to a curve, northbound cars are heading south.

My wife and I can understand your high hopes of restoration, and that is great, providing these hopes are based on the promises of God. When the road home takes an unexpected turn, you need to pray just as strongly, never doubting for a moment that God is at work.

I want to share with you, from “The Prodigal’s Perspective,” my Q&A book explaining prodigal behavior, a chapter that explains one scenario of prodigals turning the wrong way on the journey home.

“Why do some prodigals visit their families and seem to have a good time, but do not come home to stay?”

The foremost question on the heart of any prodigal who ever gives thought to returning home is a simple one; “What’s different now?” It does not matter if you are separated because of adultery, abuse, alcoholism, or any of the rest of the alphabet of causes, your spouse wants to know what has changed so that this nightmare will not repeat itself.

Most standers make the mistake of volunteering what is different, reciting to their prodigal about a closer walk with the Lord, and how much He has changed them. Your absent spouse does not want to hear your words; he or she wants to observe the changes.

“Me change?” someone is thinking. “My spouse was the one who committed adultery, not me. Let them change!” You need to stop playing the blame game. Satan is the one at fault for your situation. He attacked your family by using a preexisting spiritual weakness in one or both parties. Gradually, the enemy took over that person, until they were his captive, as described in Ephesians. Let’s follow a typical family from the thousands we have on our mailing list and attempt to discover why the spouse has not come home.

It could be a husband or wife, but let’s say that Jack becomes too friendly with Susie at work. That is the point of the enemy’s attack. They progressed from being co-workers to having lunch together most days. As they got to know each other, things reached the, “I’ll tell you my problems and you can tell me yours.” One of Jack’s “problems,” be it true or not, was related as a poor or non-existent sex life at home. While Jack still went home to Jill each evening, it was Susie, not Jill, who occupied his thoughts. At some point, and in some way, Jack and Susie crossed the physical line. From that moment on, the enemy who had attacked Jack back in the pre-lunch days now has full control of the man. He is hearing in his spirit, “You are not good enough for Jill. She doesn’t meet your needs, but Susie sure does!” “You deserve some happiness, not just a wife and kids.” He is hearing from Susie, in a hundred ways, “We have a future. Leave your wife for me.” The other person may even be giving your guilt-filled spouse ultimatums that they must make a choice. Can you imagine? The choice was made when you married. Satan has now taken full control.

Confused Jack moves out of the family’s home, leaving behind a shocked Jill. She knew something had changed in him, but assumed it was job pressure or mid-life crisis, or sadly, she blames herself. You may be to blame for not praying for your family, but certainly not for the break-up. That credit goes to the Enemy, who is out to destroy every family, thus destroying every church, thus destroying society itself.

The months or years following are a blur of lawyers, protection orders, battles over the unimportant, court dates, many tears, and all the rest that most standers know too well. Jack, silently bearing the guilt for all of this, tells himself, “Jill hates me. She probably hated me the entire time. It is best we are divorcing.” At the same time, Susie is pushing marriage. Jack half-heartedly agrees, knowing if he does not, that he will lose Susie. By some means, the news is mysteriously leaked so that Jill will hear there is a wedding being planned, adding to her devastation.

Meanwhile, God, in His love for Jack and Jill and their family, used some means to introduce Jill to standing with Him and praying for the restoration of Jack back to his Heavenly Father, and to his family. Jill turns not to people, but to her Lord God for her support, her direction, and her decisions. During her stand, she becomes less of the abandoned and angry woman she had been, and more like Jesus every day. Her Bible replaces her newspaper as her source of information. Jill’s taste in music has changed to Christian music. Prayer takes more time than the computer. She is teachable. She has a burden for Jack’s soul, now destined for Hell, unless he changes.

Jack’s sinful relationship is not going well. Susie is not the happy person he used to dream about all the time. She is demanding and controlling. (Do you know why? She knows that her days with Jack are numbered and she is hanging on in any way she can.)

Jack sees Jill every other weekend when he picks up the children, or when he picks up his mail. Gone is the angry, spiteful woman who sat at the opposite table in court. She has a peace that Jack wishes he could find. She is kind to Jack, and always agreeable. The day comes when Jack stands on his own porch, ringing his own door bell, and is excited to see Jill, if only for a couple of minutes. It is almost like when they were first falling in love. He feels good when Jill calls out, “I’m praying for you,” as he walks away.

This marriage is at a crossroad. If Jill continues to stand, there will come a day when Jack starts to confide in his wife. He will walk inside his home and have his heart almost burst with good memories. He will wish that he could rewind the clock and never have met Susie. Jill will become more serious about standing. She may fast often, and not waste time online. She recognizes she is approaching the biggest battle of this spiritual war for her husband’s soul and for her marriage.

What if Jill takes the other road? She feels God has had enough time and nothing seems to be happening. (But she can’t see inside Jack’s heart!) What if she gives up standing and gets on with her life, like everyone tells her to do? Some day another man will be opening Jack’s front door when he rings. Both Jack and Jill will revert to angry people, at war not against Satan, but with one another. Jack and Jill will probably both go on to second, and possible third marriages. Left behind will be a string of brokenhearted children.

If Jill continues to stand and to grow in the Lord, praying God would change her, before he changes Jack. Then Jill and their home will become a spiritual magnet for Jack. He will find the peace there that he is seeking. Jill, still wearing her wedding rings, may become like the other woman, as Jack shaves the truth to Susie in order for him to see his covenant wife. Experts, of which I am not, have said that prodigal spouses may live with one foot in each of two worlds, as they test the water.

The prodigal comes home for the birthday parties, and then suddenly leaves, even disappearing for a time, with no contact. I like to compare this to the pendulum on a clock. Pull the pendulum all the way back toward home, and when released, it will go farther to the other side, but always returns.

What’s a stander to do? Jill is not even married to Jack, yet he drops in at home as if nothing ever happened. She should be rejoicing, because Jack is on the way home. Jack has a tremendous battle going on inside, between right and wrong. He is guilt-filled and plays the “What if…” game over leaving Susie. Satan is losing the war for this family and will pull out his major weapons at this point.

All the time, Jack is going to be asking himself, “What’s different now?” Charlyne and I pray that all the “Jacks” will readily see that things are different because you have now based your life on the Lord Jesus Christ. You are living His way, and silently inviting the one you love to come home to a totally different spouse.

We acknowledge that not every situation will match this composite of fictional Jack and Jill presented here. Charlyne and I pray that you will find something herein that will help you understand the dilemma of prodigal spouses who visit, but can’t move home (yet!)

“The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.” I Samuel 10:6

Be blessed and keep your hopes high,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.®
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, FL 33061 USA
Rejoice Ministries

If today’s “Charlyne Cares” has helped you, Bob has many books on marriage restoration in the Stop Divorce Bookstore. “Prodigals Do Come Home,” “A Day of Freedom,” Pulpits in the Marketplace,” (Bob’s favorite), “Rejoice on the Road,” “Rejoice on the Rails,” “The Prodigal’s Pen,” and “The Prodigal’s Perspective,” from which today’s message was taken. Find them and other books in the Stop Divorce Bookstore.

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Copyright© 2007 Rejoice Marriage Ministries Inc®-All rights reserved.
Before republishing this message please see our Reprint Permission page.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quoted by permission and are from the Holy Bible; New International Version® Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.”

Posted Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 12:01 am in Seeds Of Faith.